I'm tired, a little beaten down, procrastinating most everything from getting up to working on my torah and megillah portions to reviewing my finances and estate plans to exercising. The power of positive thinking has taken a vacation.

Sunday morning, few tasks to do, little inclination to do them. Last night my AKSE project of an evening of learning was well received by those in attendance. It took some effort, there were a few lapses and I do not particularly like the details of payment, attendance, food preparation and the like. I still think AKSE's governance project should be to develop committees of expertise to serve the other committees so there is a mechanism to funnel all publicity, food preparation, building preparation maybe audio-visual expertise in a way that enables events to be pulled off in the multidisciplinary way that they should.

Few hours before shabbos. Arose at 5:30 as planned, made chicken and sweet potato for dinner, then lolled on couch until it was more than time to get dressed when i probably should have been drinking coffee. Started at Wilmington, was halfway productive there, drank coffee, went to bank, paid bills, made some phone calls without distraction, went to christiana to see patients and attend conference, then to office for patients and a little paperwork. Will stop at library on way home since they got the book I ordered that I really want to read.

I got up on time, actually 2.5 hours before time, but did not become productive until I left for work. I was reasonably productive in the office but realize that I read more charts and lab work than I see people. Had I been part of a university I probably would have asked for a sabbatical by now, maybe six months at a far flung university to do what I usually do but with different colleagues or a chance to learn something completely new like Margaret did while I was a fellow, working on genetics for six months before returning to her position in Buffalo.

Trying to return myself to a productive schedule after a meltdown dating back to last fall. I've been good about getting out of bed at the scheduled 5:30 time but generally go lie down on the couch afterward. I really need to force myself back to the kitchen table like I used to do, making coffee, planning my day and sometimes beyond. My energy seems improved, my mood still a little on the somber side. Fast quips and other jokes, or more accurately laytzanot, don't seem to come as easily as they did a year ago.

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I started to feel engaged to the rest of the world. For 69 cents I could get a large coffee at McDonalds which I couldn't possibly finish and sit quietly at a table updating my planner and my plans for the first time this calendar year. I went shopping for a new tie rack, then home to complete the dishes, have a snack that destroyed my interest in dinner, work on my next Torah portion and generally feel optimistic for the first time in a while. igp went to her rehearsal in the early evening, leaving me to engage in some productive rest, listen to a Torah MP3, listen to some orthodox style music and watch some very paltry offerings on this week's Shalom TV.

Today I am less engaged, slightly sad, more than slightly disappointed in myself for shutting off my alarm when I was supposed to begin tackling the day and the work week. I did some useful stuff related to replacing my role as office practioner. If successful, this will likely relieve much of my apprehension if not the sadness. rtf

It was my intent to make today the first day of my new life. It didn't happen. The alarm went off at 5:30 but I lolled in the warmth of a down comforter until 7:00. I had intended to have breakfast and make lunch. Neither happened. The shiva thank yous that I wrote yesterday remain on the table. I went to the hospital where most of the patients have gone home. I did take a few minutes to make myself at least look good if not feel good.

While I am interested in a lot of things very little really brings me what I regard as pleasure professional. I see a few patients, stare at a lot of charts with loose ends on my desk and in scattered locations in the office.

It's now 2010. The past year is notable for my father's passing on Nov 27 at age 87. He had made final arrangements for the VA Cemetery near West Palm Beach. The funeral and first days of shiva proceeded in an expected way, then igp and I returned home to complete shiva.

I've been a little more persistently despondent, probably attributed to the financial implosion of my practice. I've know for a while that I want to give this up as it offers me much less professional satisfaction than it once did. I am starting to act on my real desire to move on. Yesterday I submitted my first two serious inquiries. For the first time in months, a measure of optimism returned.