I'm a little tired, having slept poorly, and not especially eager to do useful work today. I made an effort to go to grand rounds on diabetes from a jhu prof. it was quite well done though neither my heart nor head were into it.

There is probably an idealized version of me to be better delineated, one who arises at 5:30, retires at 11:00, exercises regularly, eats properly, takes his prescribed medicine each day, tackles the day's agenda without either getting emotionally involved or trying to escape what I really do not especially want to do. The idealized me is energetic, he looks good, he's funny and he's smart. He gets recognition, he is worth more than they pay him, he has friends.

Snow has played havoc with my work, leaving me with too many open gaps in the schedule to make the practice economically viable, not that it was before. It is time for closure, some job hunting to avoid early retirement but some selectivity. I don't think I want to go to a place like CCHS that does a variant of piece work. As I get into my late 50's it is a harvest time to pursue some of the things I wish I had done professionally but never accomplished. I'd like to return to teaching in some form, engage in outcomes research, write about the world of medicine and see enough patients to justify my paycheck. There are opportunities to do these things that make the world a little better in addition to making my patient cohort more stable medically.

It's Tuesday, mid-day break. I have about a dozen tasks for the work day, most easy, a few more difficult but get me ahead. As tempting as it is to get the easy stuff out of the way, I know it is better to wrestle with some of the more difficult items, particularly moving on to the next career destination or pursuing the things I most naturally tend to pursue. I looked up the biography of a Dr. Leon Kass who does what I would like to do, explore the ethical aspects of medical care, or in my case the professional aspects of medical care which I see to be in decline. There are a number of things where my talents overlap my natural interests, though that overlap has been a little challenging to tease out.