Places I Like to Daven

AKSE's annual meeting last night. Come the end of the month I will find myself back on the Board. That affords me a measure of responsibility though probably very little influence. AKSE is the most suitable placement for me but I cannot honestly say that I would seek it out as my preferred sanctuary. Going there fulfills an obligation to recite Kaddish in my father's memory and in previous circumstances to meet my personal expectation to honor shabbat. I cannot say that I often return to my car thinking "y'hi shem ha-m'vorach me-atah v'ad olam." Over the years, now decades, there are places that I sought out as desired destinations. As a kid, I liked attending the Community Synagogue of Monsey more than my home congregation the JCC of Spring Valley. By my late teens I had taken a liking to Rabbi Hillel Friedman and began to regard the JCC as the place to be on shabbat. Into my adult years, as geography restricted my access, my destination when in Monsey was the JCC and my annual maternal yahrtzeit donation went there. In college and beyond I would rarely miss shabbat at Penn or WashU Hillel. They had a destination value. Harvard Hillel never lured me. However as a senior resident, my one year at Beth El Quincy remains among my fondest Jewish memories.

Though I have been a permanent resident of Delaware for about thirty years, raised my family here and adhered to a good part of the Jewish tradition, the community never really captured my enthusiasm, not the synagogues, not the leaders. There is no place that I cannot in good conscience walk away from if the circumstances suggested that I should, and have on occasion. I've been to all the synagogues, paid dues to at least one place each year since my arrival but have never sought out a sanctuary here as the place I would like to be more than any other until very recently. Shalom TV introduced me to a rabbi in Baltimore that I had to check out, and was never disappointed in my three visits there. Closer to home, Kaddish brought me to the local reform congregation. That has now become my Kabbalat Shabbat destination. I really like being in each of those two places, as divergent as they seem to be.

Common threads have been elusive. I really liked all the rabbis, though the Hillel rabbis had next to nothing to do with the worship experience. Sermons that would classify as machshava, insights that I could not glean on my own, count for something but some of the Wilmington Rabbis have been able to do that without enhancing the experience of occupying space in their sanctuaries. If I had to select an attribute that links them all it might be the absence of pretense. Reform is Reform but can be executed expertly without the defensiveness to external attacks that it plays to the least common denominator. Beth Emeth and its last couple of Rabbis do nothing of the kind. It's liturgy is brief but the last two chazanim have the musical skills to make the sounds of the sanctuary sparkle. I have my preferred seat and the rabbi recognizes me as the guy who can sight-read Hebrew without the vowels, but he probably does not know my name. Rabbi Wohlberg of Beth Tfiloh in Baltimore probably would not recognize my presence amid the several hundred worshippers that grace his shul in several parallel locations each shabbos morning. Yet I am part of the proceedings each time I am there. Again, I have my preferred seat. Despite being an OU affiliate, the mechitza is plexiglass, the Torah moves across it, women ascend the Bimah for prayers for the USA and Israel, the parking lot remains open. No suggestion that frumkeit is ranked. They are modern orthodox, with microphones and commitment to educating their kids to function as American Jews into adulthood. Retrospectively I can say the same about the JCC Spring Valley and the Community Synagogue of Monsey. They are what they are and never diminished their standards, even to the point of extinction for the JCC. The Community Synagogue had a posek, a grand one at that, but did not have Keter Kahuna to supplement Rav Tendler's Keter Torah. They were never condescending to me or to the best of my knowledge to my marginally observant family. The JCC of Spring Valley read Torah in its entirety at each specified occasion, cut no corners on siddur, and took the education of its kids seriously, for the most part. I had a dispute with the head of the teen service and preferred to stay in the main service. Nobody ever pressured me to leave where I wanted to be. Beth El Quincy was a struggling place my one year there. Conservative Judaism was in evolution in its treatment of women, requiring the Rabbi to feel his way. He looked at the laws and concluded when so many before and since conclude then peer back to justify what they have ruled. Shabbat attendance was small but loyal. The people mattered, even the transients.

The two Hillels have a slightly different legacy. They are conducted for and by students. My two returns to Penn as a geezer, part worshipper but part observer, reinforced my experience of the 1970's. There were only orthodox services in my day but the non-orthodox recognized that mechitzas were necessary to maintain community and stablity, thus accepting it. More recently, the Penn Hillel has the only true Orthodox/Conservative separate but equal parallel services that I have encountered. It is the same principle of for the students by the students. As a consequence, the fondness for the experience has lasted decades after I could no longer be called a member of the university community.

It would be rather easy to take a pot shot at my current congregation, my past congregation or their leaders. Often at board meetings or at kiddush I do. The baalebatim at these two places probably think they do everything that my preferred congregations do, from liturgical expertise to engaging their members to respecting diversity and contemporary values. By they do not seem to do it with Kedusha as the end point, striving to be a place where worshippers praise HaShem en route back to their cars for enabling the people there to grant them a holy experience.

Geekdom. It was one of the more enlightening shabbatot, largely a break from the halachic imperatives. In the name of pikuach nefesh I returned to the world of platelet donors yesterday. My appointment was not until 12:30 so I could have gone to AKSE but I had been to Beth Emeth for Kaddish the night before. AKSE had a bar mitzvah, son of a lady whose past encounters were troublesome and Beth Emeth counts as a place of Kedusha, which AKSE does not. Thus I rationalized doing something other than services in preparation for my mid-day phlebotomy. igp had to pick up her Toyota which needed a gas tank replacement so I took her to the repair shop. I thought about going to breakfast buffet near CCHS but I opted for seeking breakfast at the U of D campus less than a mile away. Finding a non-chain place open before 10AM took some exploration but at the western end of Main Street I found a Bagels&Deli place run by a Hispanic family. I was by far the oldest person in the room with the owner as my only contemporary. The kids were probably alumni of the last few classes. Nearly all except those registered for a 5K event showed up in flip-flops and whether registered or not I seemed to be the only one with long trousers except for one fellow who came in his pajama bottoms. I placed my order quickly, had trouble finding a place to sit down, spilling a notable fraction of my coffee on my jeans and dorsum of my hand. By bagel and egg took more than twenty minutes to deliver, long enough for the other places on Main Street to open by the time I chowed down.

Having invested in a state park seasonal pass, I walked back to my car, enough of a distance to count as exercise, then followed the GPS incorrectly to White Clay Creek State Park, puttered there for a short time, then sought my amusement at Marshalls, the expanded version which was a great disappointment, then found my way to the newly remodeled blood bank, which the GPS could not locate but I knew where it was. After my donation of platelets and plasma, I selected a crimson blood bank hat as a premium, then off to look around for stuff I really did not want to buy at Costco, then crossing the street to check out the new wing of the Christiana Mall, again nothing of interest there other than an expanded Barnes & Noble. On the way out I came upon the Apple Store which had some IPads on display. I found it very difficult to use. The keyboard was not in either a qwerty or an alphabetical pattern, moving up and down was not obvious nor was moving back to where I was or closing down. And to think that in my day of the 1960's I was a prototypical geek of the era, though we were not called that then. In the ensuing forty years I've been evicted from the Geek Fraternity for not keeping up with their foreign language.

Surprisingly quiet morning. I'm a little tired the last few days, my biologic clock awakening me the last few nights at 3:30AM and my accomodating this setting by going downstairs to watch some tv, not exactly drivel but not exactly productive either. After an hour I return to be, never quite dose off but at least rest and do not have significant problems arising again at a suitable time but it catches up with me later in the day. I took some diphenhydramine capsules over the Memorial Day weekend which enabled me more uninterupted sleep, not as good as the office Ambien CR samples but good enough. Today I did little chores: the bank, billing, paying some bills. I was a little concerned that the last few office deposits have been paltry but Medicare has started direct deposit so my balance turned out a good deal more than I had feared. It had been my intent to do some larger projects related to the new job but I think I'd rather do it in a bolus tomorrow and some on Sunday.

Got my Pennsylvania license application in the mail finally. Started getting forms from Mercy Phila Hospital to get started. I feel reasonably accomplished having done this form which took a little work and may take some more if I misinterpreted what they want.

Went to an akse board meeting as a pre-member since what was being presented will be the main topic once I take my place on the board. Financial stability and membership development go hand in hand. They spend too much money relative to their income. At least the committee on finance dealt with their task honestly. There is really only one big ticket items for saving money, reducing one clergy spot which saves big moolah every year. Renting the building is too tenuous and even if successful can collapse in one year. Dropping the school impacts on membership, particularly the type of membership of greatest long term value. Revenue enhancement in a grand way, short of an unexpectedly generous bequest, means selling property and that is a one time windfall. Membership development has been on the agenda every year since I've been there and never materializes. I do not think it can materialize with our policies relative to other options that prospective members might have. That is not to belittle making akse a more welcoming place but it cannot occur with business as usual which has allowed it to fall short.

For some unclear reason I feel sad today. There is no apparent precipitating event and I have been good about taking my citalopram. I'm not tired, my back feels better, I'm not irritible, just sad. Not tearful at all, maybe bored, maybe undermotivated to do the tasks I know I should do. Just a little inexplicably despondent.

I must get the license data out today, the journal ad tomorrow and the letter the day after.

Memorial Day, a day off, though one with a very lengthy to do list that finds me less than motivated. It wasn't a total washout. I went to Bellvue State Park, cleared a path from the study entrance to the computer, planted dill-coriander-chives in the backyard herb garden, planned out the coming week and made some headway on the next six months activities. I put clothing away, though not all of it, and used my new camera of limited capacity. Milchig dishes got washed. The herbs on the front entrance got watered and inspected. AKSE annual Cafe Tamar tonight.

I'm a little tired, maybe disappointed in how little I did today relative to plans. I was to remove ivy from the side of the deck, which I attempted using scissors. I could not find my sickle and went from place to place trying to obtain another, eventually settling on a 22 in machete which chops a lot better than it slices. My new camera needs a slot card and some good batteries. I wanted to write some things and of course work on my office departure and new professional destination. Tomorrow is another day off to give it a go.

Back better. Using the morning to work on my transfer to Philadelphia in August, then most of the weekend to seek my highest level of amusement. My back is less sore, still not quite right, though.

Rabbi probably does not pay attention to the implications of his own sermons. He spoke last week about how Rabbi Shlomo Riskind denied future Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan a Bat Mitzvah in the manner she preferred, citing Halacha. This future icon of American law diverted her interest, transferred from orthodoxy and observant. If a giant of rabbidom can dispatch a future giant of law, I suppose it is understandable that a rabbinical peasant of Rabbi Joel's electronic training can bypass Dr. Moe and Dr. Larry to make a decent physician such as myself contemputous of how Jewish law is best applied. For probably the third time since my Bar Mitzvah, I find myself heading toward looser observance. First as a teen I had some confrontations with the rabbi and the teen minyan director. Then after college graduation I relocated to the land of Jesuits for medical school. Both times I saw a return to stricter observance under different circumstances. This time I am truly contemptuous, not of the people or of the circumstances, but of what the people value. My one way ticket away from this would probably fall under rabbi generated attrition.

Injured my lumbosacral area yesterday, not sure how but I found it rather disabling last night, though better today after some motrin and some stretching and more recently a warm shower.

My weekly tasks seem to be proceeding a little better than usual. My PA license application is ready to go, my News-Journal ad should be composed by tomorrow along with my patient departure letter. I decided to invest in a Park Pass that allows me entry to all the state parks for the 2010 season, starting with a trip to Cape Henlopen this Memorial Day weekend. I need a little more amusement and a little less doctors and rabbis.

Quiet day of catch up. Nobody in hospital, just a handful of office patients this afternoon, then a weekend sort of off. We missed mothers day last weekend when I was on call so a postponed dinner of elegance is in the offing. Some chores, some Kaddish, some amusement.

Trying to get out from under in the office. The amount of paper leaves me astounded. As I start winding down my practice I need to find a new home for things. The recycling bin should do well for the journals, the trash can for cd's that drug companies gave me. There are my wall hangings and shelves and desk and electronics. Maybe Howard will sell some of it for me on ebay. Perhaps I can now have my study redone the way I always wanted it to be.

Have some quiet time for a few minutes. Formal job offer came yesterday to which I will confirm today, then start the specifics. I feel very relieved that the search and uncertainty of the immediate future has ended.

I would like to amuse myself this weekend after being on call last weekend. Beth Emeth Friday night, AKSE Saturday morning, my highest level of amusement Saturday afternoon, housework and Mothers Day Dinner prep Sunday morning, DVC Sunday afternoon, then delayed fancy Mothers Day Dinner Sunday night. Still have to get to the weekend, though.

Last weekend off before tackling mother's day on call. Trying to be productive but also trying to get some rest. Planted basil in pots on front stoop and in garden, trimmed and tied some sage that probably would have been better ripped out and replanted as some of the leaves have a white spotted blight. Tidied bedroom, put sweaters, long sleeve shirts and other winter items in plastic bags and vacuumed the air out. Washed and folded my cold water laundry. Got a mothers day gift for next week. Made a tray of brownies and a lasagne. Observed Lag B'Omer by trimming my beard and agreeing not to shoot any public arrows in the Cantor's direction. And finally, talked to my exasperating son.

Offered a new job, which I would like to take.

Weekend off. Restful shabbos, slept a lot, went to U of D Agriculture exposition, great disappointment. Hope to be sort of productive today.

Waiting for my last patient, then off to three hospitals. I'm falling behind on paper work as I schedule more office patients but the enhanced exam room activity has kept me more engaged in what I am doing. I am more cheerful, a touch less cynical and definitely in a better disposition at the start of each day.

Quiet and reasonably productive Sunday. Put away clothing, tidied bedroom, started garden and still had some me time to watch Shalom TV. Irene off at her 40th Girls High Class reunion. Alan here for weekend but spent most of his time here on computer.

I am making a concerted effort to be more cheerful, or at least to look more cheerful.

End of the work week. I'm kinda tired, not at all enthused but catching up on stuff in the office and using my time a little better than I have been doing of late. I got my headlight replaced after procrastinating it a couple of weeks. I went to Patel's Indian grocery for the first time today, impressed by the collection though hardly anything has a hecksher. I bought a paneer combo that did, same price as at Trader Joe's.

Not much has gone especially well of late.

A lull from the hospital but a full office schedule, which suits my current disposition reasonably well. I woke at 4AM but did not loll in bed. Instead, I went downstairs and watched something on TV until 5, finished most of the fleishig dishes, then rested. Went to office a little early to put together my quarterly tax data, but could not find my February bank statement. Paid a few bills. Starbucks gave a free travel mug of coffee this morning so I took an insulated tumbler there, nursing the rather strong brew for about two hours.

Real work day about to start.

I feel pretty good today but a little anxious that my best job prospect has not contacted me thus far. I definitely gave it my best shot but may have to move on next week.

Without having to go to the hospital, I've started getting the office under a little better control. I seem reasonably busy and challenged by the stuff that comes my way. My disposition is a little better, having had a few days off during pesach. I submitted a letter to the annals and started writing my delaware voice on auto safety. I seem a little more patient than I had been though I would feel a lot more secure if a job offer were to come through.

another birthday has come and gone, this time a quiet one with few birthday wishes outside my family. quiet day for me medically, last hospital patient went home, fewer than usual in the office, a portent of the end of practice that i have been anticipating.

i am a little anxious about the future, not confident. my level of enthusiasm and motivation to do things remains at an ebb. physically i feel well, just a few aches and pains, maybe some sleep disturbance that has greatly improved since last fall.

it is not total anhedonia, however. i went to beth tfiloh last shabbat and enjoyed shabbat morning there as i usually do, even though rabbi wohlberg ceded his time to ruth messinger of the american jewish world service that sponsored rozzy's summer in kenya. i'll just have to seek out a greater measure of pleasurable activities.

pesach prep. cleaning kitchen, exchanging dishes, finished shopping as far as i am concerned and cleaning fridge. i feel reasonably well today after a four hour nap yesterday evening, then some quiet tv time.

I feel down today. Am about to begin a weekend on call. Slow day in office, ditto for hospital. I made a list of things I like to do and things I judge myself to be good at. There is a folder of dormant projects that I never pursued adequately. The one that still gnaws at me is the desire to become a sage. It is probably doable in some form but like most other projects, success is ultimately measured by specific achievements, which are hard to delineate. I'll work on it some more.

st. patrick's day yesterday, but i decided to do passover shopping instead. generally expensive, not a whole lot of what i needed most but i got about $138 of stuff that i was indifferent to. went for my annual st. p beer after work today, sampling land shark for the first time. generally good and a great buy at $2.25.

still trying to get my mp3 player to work right. frustrating me no end.

Still working on the best of me. Up on time, adhering to scheduled tasks, incorporating time to study and time to advance friendships, time to look good and time to tend to my health and finances and family, time to rest. Much of this has not been going well of late. Maybe I am trying to do a greater diversity of things than I am really able to do.

After a weekend off but occupied, I find myself a little puchy starting the work week. The interview went well and I think the job a sufficient challenge and match that I will likely accept it if offered. Friday night at AKSE, then dinner. Got up early Saturday, coffee at Sweeny's, some sloth at home, then long service at AKSE. Some reading on Shabbos afternoon, straighted up my desk, put some clothing away, then back to AKSE for their Monte Carlo night fundraiser. I will be surprised if they raised a lot of money. It was not well attended. I won a door prize but I did not know in advance that there would be door prizes and I found gaming tables not all that attractive to watch. If I ever want to to that I could go to Harrahs in Chester where they have real croupiers and real money. They were generous with the $3 glass of Kosher wine so at least I slept well.

Sunday not as productive as I had hoped. I got the pesach menus set and replaced a toilet seat in the main bathroom but did little for my personal development, what I had hoped would be the focus of the day.

Job interview tomorrow, this one for the type of spot that I am most likely to be offered and which Rozzy and I think would be the best fit for closing out my tenure as a physician, harvesting my knowledge and experience in a way that benefits not only the patients but the physicians who take over where I left off.

Seeing patients will always remain the core of medicine but I'd like to resume teaching responsibilities and a certain element of creative thought, writing about my experiences or maybe get into serious blogging or youtube to transmit my considerable insight. My goals have always been ill-defined but this may be a way to create something of a personal legacy for what I've done professionally.

Saw a show in cable on biologic rhythms. I have a little better insight now as to why mine as gotten messed up. Partly age, partly not permitting daylight into the bedroom and little in the office. Still do not understand why the main meal for most people has shifted to supper when the natural rhythm would have it earlier.

Ate lunch two days in a row. Making progress as the upgraded me. I wrote two opinion pieces for the TOR-CH site, one on adaptation of worship times to congregational preferences, the other on rabbis' appointment schedules. And I've worn a tie to work each day.

Progress. I haven't done the big things, though, like starting work on time, completing a few tasks at home each evening, organizing my finances, writing for publication or enhancing friendships. Work on it as the week progresses.

All sorts of stuff that I embark upon never gets done. Yesterday I went to a sponsored talk by Abraham Varghese who I knew of as a Stanford Professor and perhaps sage, but not as a professional writer whose books have been on the NYT best seller list. I think we are kindred souls, respectful of modern medical care but wistful of the days when paying attention to the patients mattered more. I might like to close out my final years as a physician sharing his effort to express that thought in a very public way.

Thought I would do a little better this week. I'm starting to get my sleep times organized so the exhaustion has eased somewhat, though I still do not begin my tasks as early as I should. Haven't had lunch this week even though making it daily was one of the week's goals. A little more attentive to my appearance, another weekly goal. Still spotty on taking my medicines each night.

It's March. I've not gotten back to my baseline of last summer but doing better than I was in the fall. There were a few basic projects I had hoped to do this week: get up at a specified time, go to sleep at a specified time, look good after morning preparation, take my medicine each evening and eat lunch that I prepared at home. Not doing real good here. I thought the lunch part would be easy since shalach manot packages provide quick drop ins of wide variety. Only a sandwich need be added, yet even that I've not done. Maybe tomorrow or maybe I'll turn lights out on time like I should.

I'm a little tired, having slept poorly, and not especially eager to do useful work today. I made an effort to go to grand rounds on diabetes from a jhu prof. it was quite well done though neither my heart nor head were into it.

There is probably an idealized version of me to be better delineated, one who arises at 5:30, retires at 11:00, exercises regularly, eats properly, takes his prescribed medicine each day, tackles the day's agenda without either getting emotionally involved or trying to escape what I really do not especially want to do. The idealized me is energetic, he looks good, he's funny and he's smart. He gets recognition, he is worth more than they pay him, he has friends.

Snow has played havoc with my work, leaving me with too many open gaps in the schedule to make the practice economically viable, not that it was before. It is time for closure, some job hunting to avoid early retirement but some selectivity. I don't think I want to go to a place like CCHS that does a variant of piece work. As I get into my late 50's it is a harvest time to pursue some of the things I wish I had done professionally but never accomplished. I'd like to return to teaching in some form, engage in outcomes research, write about the world of medicine and see enough patients to justify my paycheck. There are opportunities to do these things that make the world a little better in addition to making my patient cohort more stable medically.

It's Tuesday, mid-day break. I have about a dozen tasks for the work day, most easy, a few more difficult but get me ahead. As tempting as it is to get the easy stuff out of the way, I know it is better to wrestle with some of the more difficult items, particularly moving on to the next career destination or pursuing the things I most naturally tend to pursue. I looked up the biography of a Dr. Leon Kass who does what I would like to do, explore the ethical aspects of medical care, or in my case the professional aspects of medical care which I see to be in decline. There are a number of things where my talents overlap my natural interests, though that overlap has been a little challenging to tease out.

I'm tired, a little beaten down, procrastinating most everything from getting up to working on my torah and megillah portions to reviewing my finances and estate plans to exercising. The power of positive thinking has taken a vacation.

Sunday morning, few tasks to do, little inclination to do them. Last night my AKSE project of an evening of learning was well received by those in attendance. It took some effort, there were a few lapses and I do not particularly like the details of payment, attendance, food preparation and the like. I still think AKSE's governance project should be to develop committees of expertise to serve the other committees so there is a mechanism to funnel all publicity, food preparation, building preparation maybe audio-visual expertise in a way that enables events to be pulled off in the multidisciplinary way that they should.

Few hours before shabbos. Arose at 5:30 as planned, made chicken and sweet potato for dinner, then lolled on couch until it was more than time to get dressed when i probably should have been drinking coffee. Started at Wilmington, was halfway productive there, drank coffee, went to bank, paid bills, made some phone calls without distraction, went to christiana to see patients and attend conference, then to office for patients and a little paperwork. Will stop at library on way home since they got the book I ordered that I really want to read.

I got up on time, actually 2.5 hours before time, but did not become productive until I left for work. I was reasonably productive in the office but realize that I read more charts and lab work than I see people. Had I been part of a university I probably would have asked for a sabbatical by now, maybe six months at a far flung university to do what I usually do but with different colleagues or a chance to learn something completely new like Margaret did while I was a fellow, working on genetics for six months before returning to her position in Buffalo.

Trying to return myself to a productive schedule after a meltdown dating back to last fall. I've been good about getting out of bed at the scheduled 5:30 time but generally go lie down on the couch afterward. I really need to force myself back to the kitchen table like I used to do, making coffee, planning my day and sometimes beyond. My energy seems improved, my mood still a little on the somber side. Fast quips and other jokes, or more accurately laytzanot, don't seem to come as easily as they did a year ago.

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I started to feel engaged to the rest of the world. For 69 cents I could get a large coffee at McDonalds which I couldn't possibly finish and sit quietly at a table updating my planner and my plans for the first time this calendar year. I went shopping for a new tie rack, then home to complete the dishes, have a snack that destroyed my interest in dinner, work on my next Torah portion and generally feel optimistic for the first time in a while. igp went to her rehearsal in the early evening, leaving me to engage in some productive rest, listen to a Torah MP3, listen to some orthodox style music and watch some very paltry offerings on this week's Shalom TV.

Today I am less engaged, slightly sad, more than slightly disappointed in myself for shutting off my alarm when I was supposed to begin tackling the day and the work week. I did some useful stuff related to replacing my role as office practioner. If successful, this will likely relieve much of my apprehension if not the sadness. rtf

It was my intent to make today the first day of my new life. It didn't happen. The alarm went off at 5:30 but I lolled in the warmth of a down comforter until 7:00. I had intended to have breakfast and make lunch. Neither happened. The shiva thank yous that I wrote yesterday remain on the table. I went to the hospital where most of the patients have gone home. I did take a few minutes to make myself at least look good if not feel good.

While I am interested in a lot of things very little really brings me what I regard as pleasure professional. I see a few patients, stare at a lot of charts with loose ends on my desk and in scattered locations in the office.

It's now 2010. The past year is notable for my father's passing on Nov 27 at age 87. He had made final arrangements for the VA Cemetery near West Palm Beach. The funeral and first days of shiva proceeded in an expected way, then igp and I returned home to complete shiva.

I've been a little more persistently despondent, probably attributed to the financial implosion of my practice. I've know for a while that I want to give this up as it offers me much less professional satisfaction than it once did. I am starting to act on my real desire to move on. Yesterday I submitted my first two serious inquiries. For the first time in months, a measure of optimism returned.